And oh, how that list has grown over the years.
What about you?
We talked a lot last week about love and relationships--listening to what some of you think about this topic was equal parts eye-opening and heart-breaking.
That you have hurt to the levels you have fills me with a sense of sorrow, frustration, and yes, even anger. In some cases I know the people who hurt you and that makes things...messy, but has zero impact on my ability to see you and that other person separately. The anger mostly stems from my own inability to help rather than anything else.
In any case, after our very robust and resounding discussions, I started to think about the levels of despair, anger, uneasiness etc that some situations seem to bring up in people. I began to realize that a lot of what some of you are feeling might be the result of what I like to call "residual reconsiderations"--which basically just means that leftover nagging feeling you have when you feel like there is something you needed to say, but didnt think you needed to until you lost the opportunity.
Well, my lovely Langer lemurs (yeah...that was my desperation for alliteration...), I am all about trying to reclaim lost opportunities.
So, here in our spot, where you will be safe--you can have back that lost opportunity to say the thing you never said..to whoever you need to say it to. Could be a friend, an ex, a parent, a teacher, a coach, or even yourself. Never underestimate the value of finding your words.
I'll go first. And it won't be easy. But, the important stuff--it never is.
To the boy from the beach, all those years ago:
The first day you talked to me felt the longest day of the year. I replayed that conversation endlessly and I am pretty sure I did not sleep a single second of that night because I didn't want to forget anything.
I tell you this now because I didn't put it in our wedding vows. I wanted to. But I couldn't. It was too hard because the boy from the beach wasn't the same person as the one standing at the end of the aisle, and on that day, in that moment, I didn't want to remember that I was marrying the person who wasn't THE person anymore. That didn't fit the narrative of the day. So, I said nothing. Just like I did for about 5 of the 13 years leading up to that day.
I am sorry I didn't talk more. I am sorry I didn't let you see how sad I was. I am sorry that you lost the ability to see it for yourself, even though I thought you were the only one who ever had that wizard-like vision that could really SEE me. Or maybe you could, but my disguise was just...that good.
Some things don't really make sense. Some things just ARE. We were one of those things. And, we will continue to be, even if you never choose to look again. You are my past, and ever-present in my day to day existence. Most of what I am, I learned from you--good and bad. I love you for that, and for many more things too dumb to mention. Thank you, Corey. For being my greatest champion, my toughest critic, and my safe harbor from storms to dangerous to navigate on my own. You taught me well, and I will love you for the rest of my life because of it.
Yeah, well. I said it wouldn't be easy. The fact that I can't see now tells me I was right.
ReplyDeleteTo whoever I hurt while I was hurting,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I pushed you away out of fear. I didn't mean to ignore you, or make you feel bad, or break our friendship. I was just scared. I am sorry that you had to witness my anger, sadness, and fear. Not only did you have to witness it, but I made you feel pain as well. I wish I could have explained myself in the moment so you could've had a sense of understanding. Maybe you could've stuck around despite my best efforts to push you away. But, honestly, I didn't even understand it all. And now it's too late. Now you're gone and you're gone for good. You have moved on to people who won't turn you away. People who have welcomed you and have appreciated your existence and have been there for you when you needed them. I wish I could've been that friend. But, I was hurting. I was hurting badly and in that time I was too scared to make new relationships with people. I was too scared to keep old relationships with people. So I blocked myself off. And, now that I am doing better, I lost you all. I know it's my fault. I didn't mean come across as unfriendly. I didn't mean to make you feel the pain of losing a new friend that you might have needed at the time. I forgot that you may have been hurting because of something just like I had been. And in my forgetting, I lost you. So, for that. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry for my fears, I am sorry for my cold impressions, and I am sorry for anything I might've put you through.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteIt’s weird. I don’t love you, at least I don’t think I love you, but I think about you sometimes. I try to replace you in every guy I come across. They have to be the same shade as white as you, with brown hair, and blue eyes.
You always liked to remain anonymous, so I was silly to think that I could find you on social media. I was wondering how you were? How is the baby? You graduated last year! I know you wanted to be a surgeon, how is that going?
To this day, I still listen to the Forest Whitaker by Bad Books and the list of Indie bands and song you sent me because they’re your favorite.
Everything is my fault. I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have gave my virginity to someone else, but you have to understand that you told me you didn’t want a commitment, you were running from the police, and you were the one sleeping with other women and told me every detail. So, I thought we could tell each other everything, but you got mad at me, so mad and I regret telling you. Maybe, if I didn’t tell you, you would still be mine?
I thought I was over you, but the last one is just like you and the next one will be just like you. They will have and had the same personality, same style and look. I guess I am not over you, a year ago my friend and I was talking about cute baby names and I am naming my son after you. It’s weird though, because I don’t love you and I haven’t talked to you in two years.
Dear the first boy I ever really liked,
ReplyDeleteYou probably don’t realize how big of a deal you were to me because I probably was just another one of the many girls you always talked to. Ever since that pool party for 8th grade graduation you haven’t left my mind. Every time I think about you my heart starts to race and I get a tingly feeling in my stomach but I know you never feel like that about me. We were never anything serious but any second of any day I would fall into your arms if you let me. Somehow you found a hole in the fence that has been built around my heart. At times you’ve stabbed my heart, at times you’ve taken it in your hands and held it close to you. You made my pathetic love life feel not so pathetic anymore. I would light up just seeing your name on my phone. I would also be let down reading the messages sometimes. We got into a few fights, but we were immature. You made me feel like my brain was at war with itself. It hurt a lot. But it made me better. I became a better person trying to get you to miss me. You never did though. You never texted me first after months of not talking, you never called me beautiful, but for some unknown reason I didn’t care. I’ve unfollowed you multiple times on twitter, I’ve stalked you instagram on multiple occasions, and I’ve clicked on your snapchat story every time I’ve seen it. I wouldn’t say I loved you but the feeling was pretty close. (P.S. Every time I make a Reese’s Flurry at work I wonder how I would react if it was you that ordered it.)
Dear the person no one really knows about,
You are an amazing person. I’m not sure what happened but we just drifted apart after you left. I wish I had gotten to know you better. I’m not sure how we ended up at that same concert or how I remembered seeing your face before while waiting in line for that one ride, but it must have been a sign. You switched something in me and changed my life. You taught me about myself and I appreciate that so much. I just want you to know that even though we didn’t go anywhere I’m still having you draw all my tattoos and I will never hesitate to send you my favorite songs.
Dear the person that haunts me,
I see your face almost every day and it doesn’t get any easier. You and I got the closest physically and mentally. We are almost the same person. I will never be able to apologize for what I put you through. I was like an ocean and every time you wanted to dip your toes in the water, I would pull away and just as you started to walk away I would come back. I’m sorry for what I put you through I really am. I miss you all the time but I know it’s too late now. If it means anything I will always want you in my life, even as a best friend, because you are more important to me than you think.
Dear People I go to school with...
ReplyDeleteThank you, to all the people who don't fit the stereotypes. You know the ones like you have to wear this to be this, and you have to be like this to be that. You've honestly made the two years I've spent at Oakcrest a lot more enjoyable. I appreciate the people who haven't expected much from me except a genuine friendship, those who didn't use me because I listen and try to mend, those who didn't use me to do homework, or only want me when they need me. Thank you to those who I'm actually friends with for being good friends. The list is brief. And to the girl who didn't wanna be real, what did you get out of being fake? Losing a few friends who found out what was real anyway? I don't get the point of lying to the people you depend on, aren't we supposed to help you through these hard decisions? Or is it better to lie and get what you want even when you know it's wrong because you know that we'll tell you it's wrong? I just wanna know, because I've had those few questions lingering on my mind. And to the boy who doesn't know why I stopped talking to him. We were so close and I tried to be the best friend that you needed when the other friends left you. But I had to leave you myself because some things just don't get by. Like constantly trying to shape me into your image, and being blind of the fact that you like material things and things that mean nothing. I'm sorry I left you hanging without explanation but it's better off that I do me and you do you. To my absolute favorite Indian friend! You turned out to be more than my first impression. I value our friendship and plan on continuing to value our friendship outside of high school. You make me comfortable with being me and being cultured, and I try to make you comfortable with who you are and your culture, never forgetting that it's rooted in us, no matter if you claim it or not.
I don’t think that I will ever be able to say this to you in person or over text or through a letter. I don’t have the courage to look into your hurting eyes, because I have seen your son hurt more than you ever have or will. Maybe one day if it feels right, I will be able express this all to you, face to face, but as of right now it will stay here.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I would like to thank you, Mr. Kreischer, for nurturing your son and loving him just like a father should for the first couple years of his life. He still has memories. He remembers certain stories you told him or certain things that you did with him. Wherever we go, I know he is always reminded of you. Whether it’s the zoo or long walks or even at the mall, he is thinking about you. You must have been one amazing dad in order for your words and actions to become engraved in a young boy’s heart for all his life. So, I thank you for giving him a taste of how a father should be.
Second, I would like to make you understand what you put that little boy with a big heart through. I want you to understand, even though I know you never will, what you have done to him. I know you have regrets, and maybe they will haunt you one day, but as of right now, you have to live with them. You have to live with the fact that he is happy now, but he will never include you in that happiness. You have to live with the fact that you were not there to watch your little boy grow up into a polite and caring gentleman. You have to live with the fact that he has progressed so much in wrestling and academics, and he did it all without you. I wish you could have physically been there when he made it to regions, and not just sitting in the back of his mind.
Because of all of this, I am there to wipe away his tears. I am there when he feels so alone in a world FULL of people. I am there when he gets trophies and awards. It takes tremendous effort to love someone and to care for someone at such a young age, but I am fortunate enough to be the one he confides in. I know you wonder about me. What I look like, how tall I am, what color my eyes are, what I sound like, what my family is like, how I treat him. He shows me your letters, and you always dedicate a paragraph to me, even though we have never met or spoken. I know you care. But it is because of your loss that I am winning.
To the person who was the light of my life,
ReplyDeleteYou were the sweetest soul I ever knew. I want you to know I grew up with the best great grandmother, you. From the swing you made Pop-pop build for us in the front yard of your house to the candy you’d sneak us, coming to your house was always the best. I love the smell of your home there was nothing else like it. I used to call it “the mom-mom smell”, I actually still do. I have your jewelry box next to my bed and it still smells like you. Even after all this time there’s still “the mom-mom smell”. I want to say I regret not answering some phone calls because I was little and rather play outside. I’m sorry I wouldn’t call back to see how your day was going. I’m sorry that it’s too late. I’m so sorry that you had to suffer so much pain in the end. I miss you more than you’ll ever know. I’d do anything to hear your kind voice again. As I’m typing this it brings tears to my eyes because I’ll never be able to hear or see you again. I’m sorry you forgot who I was. I’m sorry that the alzheimer's took over and made you forget even how to eat. I love you and always will. I miss you so much Mom-mom and I will forever wish I answered more calls. I’ll never forgive myself because now it’s too late. Now you’re gone and my heart hurts.
to my parents:
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for secretly doing everything I do,but trust me, it's my only way to feel some form of freedom. I regret doing stuff, I honesty do. I realize you don't want me to have or do certain things because you don't want me to mess up or make mistakes, but little do you know that your daughter learns lessons the hard way, not by being told what's "wrong" and "right." I do think I'm making the right decisions right now and I think I know what's bad for me and what I can do/have. Not every non-Indian is a bad influence and not all of them smoke and do drugs. I want to do what makes you happy, but I'm not sure if it's worth my own personal happiness, maybe that's selfish and that's why I feel so bad for thinking that. I don't want to be taken away certain privileges that my younger brother has just because I'm a girl. I don't know how many times I can listen to you say "you can't because you're a girl" without wanting to scream or yell. The reason I'm always in my room is not because I'm on my phone 24/7, it's because whenever I come downstairs you're always arguing about something stupid or if I talk it's like I'm talking to myself because you don't respond because YOU are on your phone. Maybe the reason you think I love my brother more than both of you is because he's the one who knows most about me and makes me laugh.You know the person who actually talks to me or comes to my room just to bother me playfully. I want you to understand that children grow up & I am now 17. I should have the privilege to go out with my friends whether they are boys or girls & I should be able to stay out further than 6:30pm. I can't live my life just visiting family everytime I'm alone because they to are judgmental & boring. I know you guys don't like when I stay home all the time, but then you don't like when I go out so in the end guess who really loses.. you're right it's me. Maybe I'm scared I'll be a huge disappointment because I break so many rules or maybe I'm confined with so many rules that it's impossible not to break them.
Dear the beautiful state of Virginia,
ReplyDeleteThanks for giving me the time to make some of the best memories that I have ever made over the past two years. Thank you for the friends that will last for a lifetime, the lessons that will last for generations, and for the bonds created that will last forever. Thank you for the beautiful (although very redneck) county of King George that I was able to call my home. You are the reason that I am the person I am today, and the reason why I am where I am today. To the person who was my first friend there: thanks for being there when I had nobody and thank you for introducing me to people I am proud to call my friends. To the person who was my best friend: thanks for sticking around through the tough times and through the best times. We went through hell and back, and hung out so often that I felt like we were always next to each other. To the teachers and adults there: thanks for teaching me that procrastination is not rewarded and that team work makes the dream work. To the person that I loved: even though we didn't see each other often because of certain circumstances, I never got the chance to tell you how I truly felt about you, and now I don't have the chance anymore. But that's okay. Ever since we got back in touch, I felt like the massive void in my soul was filled up instantly. To everybody else: thank you for being in my life. You guys were there for a reason, and even though I haven't entirely figured it out yet, I hope I will soon. Thanks.
To my old best friend,
ReplyDeleteI miss you. I really do. Our friendship was special, the hard-to-find and lucky-to-have kind, the kind of friendship everyone was jealous of. We were best friends, we were sisters. We trusted each other more than we trusted ourselves. We were constantly together, alternating each summer night between our two houses. We were inseparable. I thank you for most of the crazy adventures and memories I’ll always have to hold. I thank you for being the person to know me better than I knew myself. I thank you for being the person to be there for me. I thank you.
But at the same time, I don’t miss you. You broke me. You made me feel shitty. You made me feel stupid. The way you twisted your words and the tone of your voice constantly had me feeling undermined. You ruined me. You ruined what could have been one of the best days of my life. You ruined a day I could have saved as memory to be proud of, but the only memory I have of that day, is you, you crushing me. You crushed any confidence I gained that day. It was the day I found out fantastic news, at least it was until I talked to you. I saw you in the hallway, wanting to tell you everything. But as we were rushed by other students heading to class the only thing that came out in our brief conversation was your words. You words that told me the award I had received was wrong. The award I had recieved is not true, and that it didn’t make sense because everyone in your “advanced advanced” math class was so much smarter. You told me I was wrong. While I was telling myself how proud I was. Apparently I was wrong, according to you I was wrong.
So thank you, thank you for telling me that. Without those words I wouldn’t have been able to grow without you. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without those encouraging words. I wouldn’t be pushing myself to the best of my abilities to prove you wrong. Thank you for everything.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Dad, I wish when I had the opportunity to do so, before you became this whirlwind of drunkenness caused by your own despair and distance from reality, I could tell you how dire I needed you. At one of the most critical periods of my life I needed your love and guidance more than ever before. I need you to be there when I get home from weight room to talk to me about my day and to put a smile on my face. I need you to assure all will workout and that you see me doing great things, rather than texting me daily how much of a disappointment and pussy I am in your eyes, how I will not amount to anything, how I’m not a man, how I’m worthless, a punk, dumbass, and everything else you have called me inside these past 8 months. I need you to keep me in check and make sure I am not slipping away from my academics and my goals. I need you to be the father you once were, the one who used to wake me up every saturday morning during the spring to go fishing with, the one who told me I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him, the one who used to play video games with, the one who made everything in life just a little easier to deal with because I know you were always going to have my back. I need that you. I am so lost without your guidance, although I have guys like Blake and Glenn in my life pointing me in the right direction, I’m lacking that father figure. It as at the point now where I am close to giving up on you, you have said and done so much in these past 8 months that has fucked my life up as well as Mom’s, Gina’s, and Michelle’s. I wish you could sober up so you could actually take in what I’m saying, and understand how bad I want you back. You will always be my father no matter what the future holds, I just hope you come back to me. Love Samuel.
ReplyDeleteDear Sister,
ReplyDeleteEver since you moved to Georgia 5 years ago, we have been drifting more and more. From the day I first saw light, you were instantly my Best Friend. Beings though you are 14 years older than me you are like another mother figure to me, except it’s easier to open up to you because you are my sister. When you were around things were different. I had someone to count on when nobody else was around. Whenever I needed you, you were there. Although you are just a phone call away, it’s not the same and it never will be. We talk maybe once every 2 or more weeks, and our relationship is nowhere near the same. Most of the time we are both too busy to make time to speak to one another or have a long conversation catching up on each other’s lives. I feel like most of the negative things I experienced in my life wouldn’t have happened if I had you around. I’m not blaming you for anything but I wish you never left. My life would be a little different than it is now. You’re still the best sister anyone could ask for and I wouldn’t replace you for anything. You encourage me to be the best I could possibly ever be. You are one person I would never want to disappoint. You are one person who has never and will never judge me no matter what I do. Without you, I don’t know how I would deal with certain situations. I look up to you because you’re extremely successful and you have a great life. You give me hope that I will be just as successful or even more successful than you are. Although, you may think I don’t anymore, I love you and I miss you.
Love, Kyla.
ReplyDeleteA letter to my 5th grade teachers:
The day my classmates and I heard the rumors, we refused to believe them. We kept telling ourselves that our two “coolest” and “greatest” teachers had not done such a thing that could ruin their careers. We told ourselves that rumors are just rumors, not everything we heard are true. Also, we didn’t think it was something you will take part in. However, when guidance and the vice principal came to talk to our 8th grade class, that was when everything sank in. I could still remember the silence after the news was delivered. We didn’t know how to react to the fact that our favorite teachers were caught being part of something illegal. Personally, I was disappointed and heartbroken.
I don’t know if you were aware of this, but you guys were known as the best teachers that school ever had. You two had the best working relationship, you were one of the smartest and easy-going teachers in the building, and you were the teachers every student in that building look up to to the point that most parents fully trusted you with their kids. You were THE role models. Your reputations were unbelievably great that I couldn’t believe everything went to waste.
I really don’t know what went wrong and what’s the complete story behind this sad news. Either way, you should’ve taken a different road knowing that there are infinitely many roads to choose from that could’ve solved your predicaments in a more mature and better way. Drugs are not the answer to any type of problems (unless you’re ill, then yes), if anything it’ll just make the situation and your life worse than it already is (if that’s what you think). You were and still are young who still have many opportunities to take and a future to build.
Until now when I think about it, I am still saddened and I still feel some type of remorse towards the fact that you could’ve done so many nice things if none of these had happened. I know how much you love to teach and to be around kids. I saw it by the way you interacted with us and our fellow schoolmates. I saw how passionate you guys were with your job.
I know it is difficult. You are in a position in which you feel like you are stuck in there forever. You don’t know if someone will still accept you because of a decision made from the past. However, as long as you are alive, there will always be a place for you in this world. I hope that you don’t lose hope. I hope that you won’t give up your talents for the second time around. I hope that eventually you’ll see the light and start all over again. I hope that there won’t ever be a part two of this event. I believe that the two outstanding individuals I’ve met on my first day of school in the United States are still there. They might have been lost for awhile, but I know their wonderful souls will continue to exist and eventually come out again.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTo the one that broke my heart just as fast as he stole it,
ReplyDeleteYou knew I was already broken when I met you, so I’m still mad at you for breaking me more. I know that I have said my fair share of words to you that do nothing but solidify the fact that I refuse to bring you back into my life, at least where you used to be, but what you don’t know is how thankful I am for you. Even though you broke me more. In the time spent with you, I was happy. I’m not nearly as happy of a person anymore, mainly because of your actions which continue to haunt me, but I want you to know that you made me happy when we were together. I had a letter written for you, however due to your actions, it ended up being too late to give it to you. Written in that letter are the words “thank you for making me realize that happiness will find its way again”. Despite your disastrous decisions and the fact that I am currently struggling to allow happiness to find its way again yet again, I still stand by that phrase, simply because you truly did give me hope that happiness will always find its way even after it’s taken away. And I want you to know that.
I know I’ve made it clear that you hurt me, but that doesn’t change how I felt about you when we were together. So I want you to know that being with you was like having a bad day and coming home to a bowl of fudge brownie ice cream waiting for me at the counter, just how I like it, sliced bananas and all. Being with you was like walking in the scorching sand on the beach and running into the refreshing ocean to cool my feet off. Being with you was like a long day of tubing in the snow, with wet and frozen clothes, and coming home to take a nice hot bath with a cup of hot chocolate with whip cream following it. You hurt me but that doesn’t change how you made things better while you were with me, nor does it change how much you meant to me.
Now when I enter walmart I think of you because of that one time you made me pick out a colored toothbrush for you. When I go to wawa I remember how you would always show up at my house with a sandwich from there, and when I pass the wall of drinks the first thing I always see is the blue gatorade that you would always drink. When I drive past that shady convenience store, I remember how you brought me there to pick out ice cream sundae supplies and we went back to your house and spent the night stuffing our faces with ice cream. But the difference between walking into these places now compared to when I was with you, is that I don’t leave with a smile on my face, and I sure as hell don’t leave with the amount of excitement to make ice cream sundaes as I did with you. I want you to know that what you did to me still impacts how I live today, because I am reminded of you everywhere I go. So fuck you for that. But my anger in those places now, doesn’t change how much fun I had in them with you. I know I sent you countless amounts of messages that weren’t very nice, but that doesn’t take away all of the nice messages I sent you when we were together. And I want you to know that. I just want you to remember me the way I remember you. I want you to think of me when things remind you of me. I hope you remember me when you brush your teeth, because I picked out that toothbrush for you. I hope you remember me as you're driving in your car that smells like citrus air fresheners, because I picked those out for you too. I hope that whenever you eat ice cream, you get the sad feeling I get when you realize that eating ice cream won’t ever be the same again, because we won’t ever be the same again. Although I would never wish pain upon my worst enemy, I sometimes hope you feel the pain that you have caused me, just so you understand how hard this past year has been for me.
However if there’s anything I want you to know, it’s that despite all of the love I had for you, I built my bridge as you told me to. Despite your efforts to burn it down, my bridge still stands strong today. I know that I’ve pushed you out of my life, but that doesn’t mean sometimes I wish you were still in it. I want you to know that I’m still rooting for you, and I believe in you in whatever you do. I want you to know that I still care about you. I want you to know that you fucked me up so bad, and fuck you for that, but you have taught me so many things about myself and about life. I want you to know that you were a huge part of my life, and I will always have love for you deep down inside, no matter how angry I still am at you.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteJennifer, you’re the stupid one here! Stop yelling at her. Do you want to know why your sister crying? Because you had the brilliant idea to steam a shirt WHILE YOU’RE STILL WEARING IT. And not only that, but you also had another brilliant idea to give that job to your sister, who you KNOW is clumsy and doesn’t know what she’s doing half the time, ESPECIALLY on the first try because she’s never steamed a gosh dang SHIRT before. So, how could you expect her to do it right and not get hurt from the boiling water in the steamer on her first try? Don’t yell at her for burning you when it was your idea and she didn’t want to do it, but you forced her into it.
ReplyDeleteYou say that she shouldn’t cry because you were never allowed to when you were her age. Your dad would slap you if you did. Life is so much better for your sister, isn’t it? That doesn’t mean she should have to go through the same things as you. If it was awful for you, then you shouldn’t want to wish that for your little sister. You’re ALWAYS yelling at her and after so many times, it’ll get to her and you never know what it could lead to. She’s crying because she told you she didn’t want to do this stupid thing that you could’ve done on your own in one minute instead of wasting ten minutes, yet you kept pushing her. She can’t just leave because you’ll yell at her. She had no choice, which in most cases makes you stressed and angry and most people do one of two things with these emotions in this situation: punch you or cry. She’s not weak because she chose the latter. You have to let it out in some way.
I didn’t say this to you before because I didn’t know how to react. And, I’m sorry Tiffany that I didn’t defend you when this was happening. I don’t even know if you still remember this incident.
To an old friend,
ReplyDeleteI really don’t want to write this, but it is only right since our friendship ended so abruptly. After that day we were never the same again. Two kids that were friends for almost 6 years, just stopped talking just like that. I wish that we were still friends and you acted differently so that this could still happen, but I can no longer be your friend. What you did and said will never be forgotten or forgiven, I just can’t do it. I know the reason you acted this way though, and I know that this was your way of dealing with loss and I understand. Everyone has a different way of dealing with it and I understand why you acted the way you did. But, I could no longer have your negative energy in my life. You made me a person that I am not and and I was stupid for not seeing this. You made me act different and act like someone I really wasn’t and I didn’t even notice it. I am glad that we are not friends anymore because it truly does make my life better. We grew as two totally different people and I didn’t like the path you were going down so we had to stop being friends. What makes me sad though is that I know that we could still be friends if things were a little different. I know deep down inside you are a good person, but I guess I will never know if you have changed. I can’t talk to you anymore or really even look at you anymore without remembering what happened, so to become friends again would have no point and would never be the same. It hurts me that I don’t associate someone that I really thought was a true friend to me, but in reality you really were not and I should’ve seen this a lot quicker than I did. It’s been almost 3 years now and I have to say we have both moved on with our lives, but I do wonder if you have still think about me and all the fun times we used to have and how much more we could’ve done. You are one of the reasons though, that I keep a small group of close friends that I know will always have my back and always be there for me no matter what. I will never let something like this happen to me again for as long as I live and I will pick who I associate with carefully and be more observant of myself and the affect others have on me. Honestly though, I wish that things could’ve been different because I know deep down you aren’t that bad of a dude. You let outside factors control your actions towards people that only wanted to be your friends and this is something I will never do. My friends know that I will never switch up on them and that I always be there for them in the end, I wish I could say the same for you but I guess we are better off now without each other and we both know that this is the truth.
To my brother:
ReplyDeleteNo I don't forget the pain that I felt when I carried you downstairs into the ambulance. No I will not forget me crying the whole rest of the night because I was worried that you might not be awake to greet me in the morning with a "Hey bitch." No I will not forget the loss of the first month or two of 2017 because of my ability not to cope with your disease and your constant sickness. But I don't want you to forget this to. I think that you think I don't care about you. I don't want you to forget that if it were me and you in a life or death situation I would throw my body out just to make sure that you were alive and well. When you dropped that night I didn't know what to think. I kept telling people that I was o.k and that I didn't need anyone to talk too. I was dying inside while you were dying on the out. Right when that happened you made me think about me. The reason I even drink alone is more that even others can make fun of me for. I want you to know for forever that I will always love you and keep you as a #1 priority.
To the person that helped me get through these 2 months:
Your small act of kindness was enough to get me through long sleepless nights. You were the reason that I was able to relate to my brother and help give him care when I couldn't even bare to look at him. When I said that I was not good and you gave it your all to try to get me to feel better. I've never had someone stay so close to me like you had done. You changed my mental life throughout the first 2 months and for that I want to say thank you. I love you.
To my friend:
You don't realize how influential you are in my life. The many things that we have in common and share as a friend is one thing that will keep us close forever. Nothing could pull the lit ass bond we have away and I thank god for that. I want you to know how real you are and how you are someone who I know will not switch up on me for anything. You will always be there, and I want you to know that I am always there for you too.
Dear my first date/ now ex,
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry, I just don’t what else to say. I’ve always wanted a date to see what it's like to have a girl you like, but as we dated there’s been a battle in my head and heart. When my dad first looked at a picture you, he gave that look to me, your friend kept being a damned ass to me, hell I didn’t like your friends I honestly think they’re a bunch of trash and worst of all your looks. I don’t want to be that jerk who only cares if a girl has curves, a big butt or a buxom chest, but your looks, it's just well too much for me to handle. I was honestly having an internal debate whether I do or don’t like you, then I chose I didn’t because I feel as though your group of friends might kill me one day and I started to realize I didn't like you that way because you were too ghetto for me, and, I don't want to say this or offend you, fat. But the way I broke up with you, I admit I was an asshole, jerk or whatever. I should've broken off with you in some secluded place in Oakcrest, not in the damned hallway where people can hear. I’m so so sorry I broke up with you in the worst way possible. I’m sorry that I hurt you, I’m sorry that I broke our friendship and now don’t talk anymore. I hoped we can be friends again, but at this point, I know you hate my guts and just ignore me. I’m sorry for also breaking up with you near your sweet 16. I know that I must have made it bitter. Also, I hope that despite all of this I hope you don’t view me as an asshole who broke your heart, but if you still do I understand.
To my brother,
ReplyDeleteWe were close. The closest friends we could ever be and I don't know what changed that. Time flows on like an endless river of lost memories and in it all I feel like I've lost one of the most precious things to me: a true friend. One I could talk to forever, or even just hang out with while we watched TV or played games together, however it seems like that time has also flowed on. I know that we will always have each other's back, however it's just not the same. We've drifted apart in the current of time, yet although the distance might not seem that far, it's an endless stretch we cannot bridge and become the two young and inseparable brothers who couldn't be more happy to be around each other are now reduced to... well just brothers I guess. Anyway, I'm bad with words and all I wished to convey was the one thing there is no medicine for in this world: regret. Yes, believe it or not, I regret that we've drifted and it brings me to a bitter smile when I think back to the times where you would do things and I would watch as the curious younger brother.
To my neighbor that was also my best friend!
Hey dude, isn't it crazy that we've known each other since we were infants? Good times; they really were. I don't know, I thought I'd include this just to remind the both of us how much time has passed and how all of it seems like it was just yesterday one of us would show up at the other's back door looking to play. Remember that time when you and your sister showed up with a turtle at my back door? I do, it's always kind of funny to remember how young and free we were back then. I don't really remember why we stopped being the closest of friends, but it doesn't really matter anyway, I just felt like saying hi in this blog! (if you read it). (P.S. - I 100% did not include this only because my mom was going through old pictures and happened to see one of us four).
Dear grandfather I never loved enough,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that I never reached out to you enough and probably only seen you once when I was really young. I'm sorry that my Dad could never forgive you for what ever you did to him. To be honest I don't even know why he was mad at you and never really believed everything my Dad said about you. But I just wanted to say that I do love you even though we didn't contact as much. You even sent me present every birthday and never got a chance to meet you and say thank for it all. It showed that you at least still cared and tried to reach out to me. My Dad would refuse to meet with you ever again and so I never had the chance to spend time with you. It sucks because since we never spent time with each other and therefore don't know how much I really lost. I understand also that you were a marine as well and thank you for your services. I know that somewhere in your heart you were just trying to be a father to my father and never expected him to push away from you. Overall I am sorry that I never tried hard enough to reach out to you because my whole life my Dad never decided to forgive you and move on. It is mostly my fault and I am sorry because now you have gone to a happier place.
Love,
Your Grandson, Giovanni
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTo my first love from middle school,
ReplyDeleteWhen we were young, you were just a stranger to me, never once having a conversation with you before. You would be the quietest girl in our group of friends and it was almost like you were never there in the first place. So I am going to say, I am sorry for never noticing you early enough. Now that I look back upon my memories, you were always trying to talk to me but I always get preoccupied with whatever was going on at the time. I remember our first interactions together, you suddenly came up to me and gave me a slip of paper with your phone number which confused me since we never really talked. After school, we would talk to each other on the phone, laughing at old memories and telling each other our problems. One memorable conversation was when we started talking about how we missed all of our old Hess teachers and how we “planned” to go back to Hess and visit them, but that never happened.
I am sorry that I have never noticed your feelings for me since I was still confused over what the feeling of love was. I never thought that you would have feelings for someone like me. I am sorry for my and ignorance on how a relationship should work since, even though you tried asking me out, I have never realized that you were serious. We would always pretend to be something that we never were when we were young. Pretend to be a teacher; pretend to be a parent; even pretend to be brother and sister. When we were going out, I had thought that we were just pretending and never took it seriously. In that short relationship, you staged a “breakup” with the reason being that you were too controlling and that you were always isolating me from my other friends, which you were but I was fine with it, and then you suddenly moved to another state, not telling me that you were in the first place. Your sudden disappearance from the classroom made me realize that I will never have another chance to speak with you.
I have tried calling you, texting you, or messaging you on Facebook, one of our only connections now, but you never reply back and if you do, it would be a short long conversation. We left the breakup on that we would continue being friends and that we would still stay the same, but that never happened. You should have told me that you were going to move three days after our breakup, but instead, you never did and left me with little notice. I lost the chance to give you the proper apology; I lost the chance to tell you that I loved you back. I would have liked it if you had not moved and that we stayed in a relationship but fate was not kind to us at all.
To the stranger in the wheel chair
ReplyDeleteYou don't know my name, and you probably don't even know what I look like. Last summer I was visiting my family in Bermuda when I walked by a group of drunk, ill, old men, huddled around a dock. You were in the group, so I grouped you with the rest of the troubled men. When I walked by you, you looked me in my eyes and said "Don't get drunk on the job, and be grateful for what you have." At first I thought you were a dope fiend like the other men you were with, so I laughed and kept it pushing. I didn't realize what I had just done until I was across the street, and engulfed in the crowded mob of tourist. I wanted to go back and say thank you. I wanted to go back and tell you I'm sorry. I wanted to go back and tell you I appreciated what you were doing. After putting the pieces together, I realized that you were paralyzed because of a drunk driving incident, and you were trying to keep people from having the same destiny. I saw you in the same spot the next day, doing the same thing. I didn't say anything. I felt terrible. I laughed at your tragedy. I laughed at you for trying to make a difference. I wish I could tell you how much it inspires me to see you attempting to make other people's lives better.I wish I could go back and say sorry. However, I'll likely never see you again. You can't take back the words you never said, so I'm sorry for not speaking up. I hope my laughter didn't discourage you. I hope my laughter didn't make you feel like you weren't doing enough. I hope you know that ever since that day, I changed the way I view strangers. It changed everything. Thank you sir, I'm sorry. I hope I get the opportunity to change things soon.
To my loving Parents,
ReplyDeleteI fear that I may never say this to you until it becomes too late, but thank you and I am sorry. You have to be some of the most patient and most caring people I have met. You put up with my siblings and I and, though we don’t exactly go against you or fight you, we don’t show that we are thankful for all that you do and we tend not to do what you expect of us. We don’t help enough around the house, and when we do, it is usually because you have yelled at us to do it. Mom, you come back from working over night, cook and do other chores sometimes, and then you might go back to work again depending on the day. Dad, you take care of my grandmother and every single house chore all day. You clean our rooms, you wash and sort our clothes, you clean the floors, you were the one taking out the trash when my brother left for school, and even when he wasn’t in college, you still ended up taking it out when he forgot to do so. This has made you question if we love you, saying we don’t show it. You question if we care and we say we do, but since we don’t show it through our action, you don’t believe us. So I am saying thank you and sorry. I am thankful to you for taking care of us and sorry for not doing what we should.I know you do these things because you love us, so what we should do is start doing our part because you need to know that we love you too.
Dear Aisling,
ReplyDeleteI would do absolutely anything, right this second, for you to still be here. You deserve to still be here, living, on this Earth, right this moment. I don't know why life had to be taken from you so fast. My heart breaks every time I see your picture in the middle of my mirror every morning while I'm doing my hair or makeup. It reminds me of that tragic day and every specific little detail of how that day unfolded. All the tears, all the hugs, all the people that were there, heartbroken because of what had happened that day. But also, every time I look at your picture from your 8th grade dance of you smiling so big and hard, it reminds me of how beautiful of a person you were. Your smile was highly contagious and made me smile instantly. Your corny jokes made me laugh even though a lot of the time they weren't that funny. You brightened up my days and all of the soccer practices we all dreaded going to. Your kindness to others amazed me. And I’m sure, without a doubt, that you are still continuing to be that fun, loving, caring, and sweet person up there in heaven now, too. I know you make sure to do your best to visit your mom, your dad, your brother, the rest of your beautiful family, and every single one of your friends, including me. I know you're with me sometimes when I'm playing the sport we used to play together; I just get a feeling sometimes, which lets me think that you're there with me. When pictures are taken of me playing on the field, there's a huge ray of sunshine shining down right on the spot, next to me, where you'd be playing on the field. Thank you for checking in with me. Thank you for letting us know that you're okay. Thank you for being the most kind-hearted person I have ever met. Thank you for all of the laughter that we shared. Thank you, for being you.
To you…
ReplyDeleteThere are a plethora of things that I’ve always wanted to tell you but just couldn’t bring myself to. Being the shy person I am it’s pretty hard to discuss my feelings with my closest family members, let alone to somebody like you. Maybe it’s not even too late for these things to come out but I feel like the chance will never even come so I might as well write them down somewhere. I’ve grown up with a lot of crushes but nothing has ever come close to the crossroad where I’m standing now. Those past infatuations have primarily been based on lust or another stupid reason but not this. This...This is different and it’s hard for me to pinpoint everything but it most certainly isn’t as stupid as lust. Your physique or appearance weren’t the qualities that initiated my attraction but the person you are underneath. I think that’s what has set you apart from the rest, this love came from a different place. I could probably search the entire planet and not find someone like you….as unique as you. From your humor which never ceases to make me laugh or the way you go about life whimsically and mystically in such a way that makes you seem larger than life. You’re perfect in every way and you don’t even realize it. I literally haven’t found a flaw because every little quirk or oddity makes you the perfect person you are. You’ve changed my view of love forever no matter what happens. People have said that we all likely have maybe a million people on this planet that could be our soul mate but until the day I meet someone even a fraction of you I won’t believe it. Just being acquainted with you makes me feel a little better about myself and I’m going to enjoy it while it last. If it were my choice then I would never leave you but I’m afraid of the day you’ll leave me. If it makes you happy then there is nothing more I could ask for but you’ve taken a part of me I will never be able to retrieve again. These thoughts occur often but all the fear is washed away when we lock eyes for even a split second. That split second feels like an eternity. I have friends that I can talk for hours upon hours with, enjoying the fun times, but an empty conversation with you speaks more than any other conversation ever could. I would love to say that you could be the one(even though how “unlikely” it is) and I could enjoy growing up with a family. Watching whatever your favorite show is (hopefully) with our kids or making your favorite meal as a surprise knowing a smile that emits pure happiness will ensue; making it all worth it. Nature will take its’ course so I’m going to spend the time I have now enjoying every moment. Maybe it’s not too late for you to hear this but maybe it is...I honestly don’t know what to think anymore so I guess we’ll see where the future leads.
Dear my older brother,
ReplyDeleteNot a lot of people know about you because I don’t like talking about you often, and even if I do it’s not easy. I think a lot about you and how grown you are now. But when I think about you it’s not in a positive way. I have a lot of friends that have older brothers also that are constantly there for them. As for you, I can’t say the same. I was only about 9 years old when I stopped seeing you. I went from growing up with you, seeing you everyday, to not seeing you ever again. You live 15 minutes away from me and never have come to check up on me. All I’ve ever wanted was just a hello. Or maybe even a call wishing me a happy birthday on my birthday. I looked up to you, and I loved you, but because of one little argument you got into with our dad, you stopped seeing me too. You’ve now missed the past 7 years of my life, and know nothing about the girl I am growing up to be. I'm you're little sister, you're supposed to be the one that protects me, and gives me advice when I need it. But you left. You walked out of my life, along as your two other sibling’s lives. You now have two daughters, and I have two nieces. Two nieces that are now 3 and 5 years old and I still have yet to meet them. Also a wife, a wife that you got married to about a year or two ago, and had a wedding to which I was not invited to. You have this whole new life without me. Believe it or not Ray Ray, I wanted to be apart of your life, always. But I guess you just didn't care to be a part of mine.
To A Summer Friend:
ReplyDeleteYou were the greatest friend that I had ever had. Within months, you became the light of my life, suddenly putting you above everyone else. You were suddenly someone that I couldn't imagine living without, and I never wanted to find out. You were the only person I ever wanted to talk to, the only person that could pull me away from the darkness that I ever so constantly slipped into. You were the other half of my heart. My biggest supporter, my favorite company, my warmest hugs, my biggest smiles. My soulmate. There were times where we both felt like no one else in the world mattered, and that no one else was worth fighting for more than each other. You were the only person always willing to take the hike all the way out to my house without a seconds hesitation every time I asked. You were a real one for that.
I always thought you were crazy. My favorite kind of crazy. I thought it was crazy that someone could be that sweet. I thought it was crazy that you would eat the skin of the kiwi too. I thought it was crazy you smiled at yourself in the mirror every time walked by one as if someone were about to take a picture, just to make sure you looked good. I thought it was crazy that you were so incredibly outgoing. So it never seemed so crazy when I watched friends walk into your life so easily, but leave just as quick as they came. And I never thought that I would be that friend.
I began to wonder if this is what Chance meant when he said that summer friends don't stay.
Suddenly, so quickly, I watched you disappear from my life more and more by the day. And life pulled you away from me.
You didn't even realize it. But I did.
And when I called and tried to make plans time and time again, suddenly the calls you used to answer in a heartbeat were ones that you no longer picked up. And when I called, and told you that our song came on, and that I missed everything about you, you never said it back. Suddenly I went from the person that you called to tell everything the second you got into the car, to being the person that accidentally over heard you telling the story to someone else. Suddenly, you went from the only person who really knew me, to being someone who had no idea how much they were killing me.
You didn't even realize. But I did.
I cried night after night. I wanted so badly to call you or text you, and say something like this. But I remembered back to a time when one of your friends did that exact thing and it made you really mad. So I bit my tongue. I wondered what I had been doing wrong and what I should have done better, but all the answers in the world still left me without and answer as to why you left. For a little while I was mad. Mad that you forgot about me. Then I returned to a sadness that hung over me like a cloud all throughout my days. I blamed myself for everything I ever did. And I am sorry if there was ever something I did to drive you off. But I miss you. I miss your laugh, and your music, and your car, and all the late summer nights. I miss knowing that I could always have someone to turn to when I needed a laugh, or needed some fun, or just a little bit of confidence. I miss knowing that we may not have heard about any plans for the night, but by the time the sun fell, we'd be having a blast. I miss you. And I love you more than any words could ever suggest.
You would be the first one to tell me about fate, so I believe in it with my entire being. And I believed that you are my soulmate. So I'm going to keep telling myself that fate will bring me back to you.
To him,
ReplyDeletewhenever you come across my mind, I often think of how grateful I am to have had you in my life, and play such a significant role in it. you made me happy- honestly, the happiest I’ve ever been at the time, in a long time. you gave me a sense of security, you always gave me something to laugh and smile about, and most of all, you gave me memories that are impossible to forget, even if I wanted to. you know all of this though, you know exactly how I felt, and how I still feel, so if there’s one thing I want you to know, that you probably don’t...it’s that I understand. I understand that not everything is meant to last forever. I understand that the time may not always be the right time. I understand that my feelings aren’t supposed to be the only one’s put into consideration. I don’t hate you, I never did and I never will, despite what you may think. was I hurt? of course, but you never hurt me worse than how I’ve been hurt before. you never gave me more bad memories than good, you never changed how I view myself or made me second guess what I deserve. I will always care about you, I will always wish, and want the best for you, and right now, it feels right leaving it at just that.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTo the one who'll always have a piece of me,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're happy. I'll never have the guts to say this to you in person, but I'm happy for you. Though it hurts to look at you, I can't help but be happy when I see you smile. By the looks of it, he makes you happier than I ever did, and I'm glad. We weren't meant for each other, but I hope you two are. I can't stand seeing you broken and I pray to God he doesn't break you the way I did. "I hope he buys you flowers, I hope he holds your hand…. take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance." If I'm honest with you, you're still stained on my mind. I see traces of you in everything I do and all I can do now is just try to get by. I also want you to know that I'm doing my best to fulfill your wishes. You made me promise to try my hardest to get into Hopkins because you knew that was always my dream. You also made me promise to not let our breakup bring my grades down too much. Unfortunately, I broke the latter promise. But the former… I'm trying. I finally got my own SAT book and I actually read some of it. I started looking into what the college wants and I'm trying my hardest to get in. You always told me to do things for myself, and not for you, but it's all I can do at this point. I never told anyone but if it weren't for you making me promise to get into Hopkins, I don't think I would have done any work for the past 3 months. I want to get into Hopkins not only to be a neurosurgeon, but to also give you something to be proud of. If I don't get in then I'm sorry, but I mean at least I tried. I'm also sorry for how it all went down, I never meant for it to seem like I didn't trust you. I still miss you though. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't love you anymore and I'd be lying if I told you that it hasn't haunted me every single day. My bad for the tears, it's involuntary. But you loved me when I was unlovable and you were there for me when I needed someone the most. During a time when I couldn't even stand, you were there to pick me up, for that I'll always be thankful. We had a bond so strong that I broke. If you don’t want to be best friends again, then I want you to know that I wish you the best. I want you to know that you'll always have a friend in me. I want you to know that if you ever need me, whether it be at 3 pm or 3 am, I'll be here for you. Like you were there for me every morning after surgery, sometimes even before I woke up, I'll be here for you if you ever need me. After all, I'm only one call and like ten minutes away.
Love, Christian
To the boy in red,
ReplyDeleteI’ve never been in love and I’ve never experienced it but you were the one to make me feel a feeling similar to that. I first noticed you when we first met at my Aunt’s house. I don’t remember what you were wearing or why we were there but I do remember that you gave me butterflies in my stomach every time we looked each other in the eyes and talked. Your ocean blues made me calm and could shut me up in nanosecond. You were, and still are, the only boy to make me go insane and smile as wide as the Cheshire Cat at the same time. You knew how to make my day better when I was feeling down and you are the only boy to think of me as beautiful. I hope you know this. I hope you know that I still cling onto that.
That summer, I wanted to go all the way to your hometown just to see you. I wanted to feel alive in your presence because quite frankly, that was the only time I was alive. I have the best memories with you. Looking up at the stars and having conversations that went in all types of directions, playing volleyball in the pool and you making fun of my height because I couldn’t spike the ball over the net and nights where I would go to your house just to sleep on your couch and being woken up to your antics. I miss the times where we were innocent.
But later on, when I thought I could love you, I found a reason I couldn’t.
I didn’t want to believe what you did that night. I didn’t want to believe what you said that night. And I especially didn’t want to believe what you were thinking that night. You weren’t in your right mind and that’s the only thing I will believe. I can’t look at you the same and I can’t talk to you the same which crushes the shit out of me. I know if I didn’t find out, I would be more hurt than I already am; and I don’t think I could have handled that.
That happened 2 years ago, sunshine. Letting go at first was hard. When I saw your pictures on family social media sites, my heart stopped and I admired you. But as time went on, I slowly forgot about you and eventually felt nothing. Sad, right? I thought I would have you in my life for a long time and then all of a sudden I forget you were ever in it.
When I saw you again, this past January when you were competing in your school’s male beauty pageant for the first time in two years, my heart felt full. My mom nudged me and told me to put my glasses on. When I did, you were looking straight at me and smiling. My full heart grew even more. When we hugged after the show, I didn’t want to let go. And I could tell you didn’t want to either.
Even though you made my heart full and head spin, I don’t want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you until you mature and get your shit together. I want you to play college baseball and worry about yourself. I want you to have fun and focus on your studies so you can make your parents and little brother proud. You need to do this for yourself, sunshine. It’s your turn to change the world.
To the boy in red; you will always have a special place in my heart.
To that girl in the third grade,
ReplyDeleteWhat was the point of always sneering at me? What was the point of always making fun of me and accusing me of things I’d never did? What did I ever do to you to make you act the way you did to me?
I’ll give you a chance to explain, but don’t give me the same bullshit like how the other girl who ruined my childhood did. I’m tired of hearing it’s because “you were young” and that “you were just a little devil at the time”. No, that’s not what I want to hear. What I want to hear is the REAL reason because to me, all I heard from that girl were excuses, completely and utterly bullshit.
So what was the reason for you to bully me? Was it the way I dressed? Was it the way I looked? Was it the people I hung out with? Or was it because I seemed like the easier target to make fun of? Was it because you thought I was weak and that I would never tell the teacher about all the stuff you whispered about behind my back and all the snickering you’ve done next to my ear?
If so, then you were right. I was weak and I never did tell the teacher of what you did. But what you didn’t know was that you woken up a side of me that should have never been awaken in the first place. I was tired of the shit that was happening around me. I was jealous of how the cheery girls across from me were always laughing with their friends while I was sitting next to the devil with shackles on my wrists and duct tape on my lips as I let you poke fun of me. I was upset of how I could never stand up against you!
I wanted revenge. I wanted you to suffer. I wanted you to feel the same loneliness I felt at the time. But the funny thing is, I never did do anything to you. Instead, I did it towards your best friend. I wrote her a love note and left it in her desk, she showed it to the teacher and the teacher asked who had written it. Of course, I didn’t say anything. I was thrilled and scared of what was happening. While you were absent that day, I took my chance to walk up to your best friend and talked to her about the love note. I’d asked her who she thought wrote it and she said she thought it was one of the guys in our class! Boy, did that make me happy. Because who in the world would like a girl like her? Always sticking around the devil, playing as the innocent bystander who never did or said anything towards me, always snickering along with the devil like it was all fun and games. Ugly. Disgusting. Scum.
I had succeeded my plans into making her a friend of mine that day and later on, she started hanging out with me more than she hung out with you. I wonder if you ever felt shocked because of that. Were you lost on how quickly your best friend turned into my “best friend”? Because if you did, I’m happy.
I may be the weak girl you thought you could make fun of, but I’m telling you, you don’t want to make the quiet girl lose her patience.
Dear Grandpop(A Stranger),
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'd like to say, I'm sorry. I'm not sorry because of anything I did, but I'm sorry for anything that you missed out on. I'm sorry you never got to hold me, Xavier, or Adam, your grandchildren. I'm sorry that you never got to see your son, Souleymane grow into the amazing, hardworking, family loving, man he became today. I'm sorry that you'll never get to be proud of your son. I'm sorry that you'll never be able to be proud of me or my brothers. I'm sorry that you'll never be able to meet my children and have quality time with them the way a Pop-Pop should. I'm sorry that I don't even know your name. When I was just a young boy, dad told me about your death when he was thirteen. I know you meant as much to him as he meant to me because I heard the sadness in his voice just talking about it. I've never seen my dad cry, but that day I saw tears shed from his face. I just want you to know that your son blossomed into an amazing man, an he strives to raise my brothers and I to be better than he his. Whether you know it or not, you've started something great.
Dear girl I'll never have a chance with,
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to write this because i’ve never did this before. Before the start of sophomore year last year, I didn't think the dating game was for me. Then I met you. And I didn't know how to approach such a situation to tell you I like you. Especially with us going to two different rival schools and us not being in contact with each other until summer of last year where we first started actually talking. And if I'm being honest to myself, I probably didn't have a chance from the beginning...but I had to try. So I waited for my moment and simply just tried to get to know you personally. To get to know the girl that I have known since kindergarten and while the more and more I started to compliment you of your beauty, the more and more you probably felt uncomfortable. Because you didn't ask for that and it was so sudden for me to put that on you. And I don't know why I choose you to go after because there are in fact so many fish in the sea, maybe it's because faith just has a funny way of working like that. But I thought, if I just waited, I would have my chance because I saw something a lot of people, maybe not even you saw and maybe that's what doomed me in the end, because I got curved. Or friend zoned or anything else you want to call it but I guess the point I'm trying to get across is that you never know what you want until you actually get it. And I know that doesn't sound right but my biggest fear in a relationship is hurting my partner. Whether it's physically or mentally and I just don't know if I would be able to make you happy without having you hurt again. My biggest fear is somehow fucking up from being around too many girl friends of mine and making you jealous and ending something special. I mean it's common in relationships, especially high school relationships. Or what if one day, the spark isn't there and you'll want someone else? Another thing that I think I just couldn't cope with is rejection. I mean it's human nature to feel upset from rejection right? I feel like I'm not making sense here and I'm kind of pulling all of this out of my butt, but I want this to be a reference for if one day I do find my way out of the friend zone. A diary for me to look back on because I want to learn from my mistakes and just take a different direction next time. To be more open of one another. I mean they do say opposites attract and I like red and you like blue, I like the Eagles and you like the Giants. I'm a falcon and you're a pirate, but until we come into contact again, just know you'll always have a place in my heart.
Dear Ex
ReplyDeleteWe ended things off in a pretty shitty way didn't we? Most of what we did was fight over petty bullshit that didn't really mean anything. But The one thing I never really got to to say to you was thank you. Thank you for admitting to your mistakes. For once I didn't feel like the psycho girlfriend who over reacted to something. I know I may of hurt you but hey you hurt me too so obviously things weren't meant to work out between us. I will always remember the laughs we shared with each other because not everything between us was bad.
I'm basically done being angry no matter how much you and your sister hate me. I'm letting go, you should to. I hope you find someone that makes you happy because I know I have. And I hope that in the future you remember me as something good rather than something evil.
To my oldest Best Friend
ReplyDeleteWe made a promise. We made a promise to stay in touch. We made a promise to see each other all the time. We made a promise to ALWAYS stay best friends. We had so many plans. We planned to go sledding. We planned to play Minecraft all the time. We planned to play Smash Brothers until the sun stopped shining and hell froze over. I broke them. I broke our promises, and I broke our plans. As soon as you were gone, I struggled to keep my end of the relationship going. It wasn’t because I did not want to be your best friend, hell no! If anyone asks me you are still my best friend. You were the first person to hold that title and you will be the only one to. I broke it because I am weak. Are you listening? I am weak. No matter what forms of communication you reached me through, I just couldn’t keep up. I would forget. I’d forget to call, to text, to email. I feel as though I left you with no one. I know being homeschooled is not always easy, and a lot of your interactions with people come from messaging. The one way to keep you company, I could not do. And for that, I am sorry.
To this really pretty girl back when I was a youngin’,
Remember when you called me ugly? Haha, me too! Remember when you said I was really annoying? Yeah, me too! Remember when you sent me away, turning one of my best friends against me? Yeah, me too. Did it feel good at that time? I was just worried about you. You had fallen, and you were in tears, yet when I extended my hand, you rejected me. Humiliated, I left, sad and on the verge of tears. Was it worth it? To tear a person down like that, it isn’t good at all, especially since it was something you were constantly doing. Being popular and pretty really gets to you huh? Well I’m sure you’re more mature now. I won’t go further, just know that I do not hold a grudge against you. I also want to say, LOOK AT ME NOW. I’m on top now, and I don’t need to hang around with the “cool” crowd because I am more independent and confident now. Insults like those cannot possibly hurt me anymore.
To a boy who beat me up when I was a youngin’,
Wow, dude you actually were a dick. Did I threaten you? No. You were a really popular basketball player. You dated the aforementioned girl. You were on top of the world. So I ask, “Why me?” What was it about me that you had to physically confront me, a kid two years younger than you, multiple times on a bus. You choked me out. You made me afraid to ride the bus. Having to go home and tell my parents that was probably the most damaging thing to my pride I ever had to do. You showed me what being powerless felt like. As the other kids watched, and I walked off the bus with my ears ringing, glasses askew, I became the typical nerd you got bullied. And for that, I thank you. I thank you for waking me up. As if I, Tobi, was going to be that kid who got bullied. Hell no! So I fought back. I fought back against the popular kid. I fought back against my powerlessness. I fought back against my own timidity. You stopped. To this day I forget why, but you stopped when I fought back. So all I want to say is thank you.
To a dude who just called me and is now reading this,
Yes, what you did was weird. Is that why I was miffed? No. It’s just because you didn’t tell me, and decided to whisper about it to other people right in front of me. No I would not have cut you, I’m not petty. Next time just tell me. I trust you dude.
To her parents,
Maybe we could meet and have a talk next time, ‘kay?
ily
DeleteTo the one that got away... (Cue Katy Perry song)
ReplyDeleteI miss you. I miss your voice. I miss our talks. I miss your laugh. I miss everything about you. It’s been 1,088 days since you left. Remember when you asked me if you should stay or go? I said to do whatever you want to. What I wanted more than anything is for you to stay. You shouldn’t have left me here all alone. You were my first friend. You were the reason why I found happiness.You’re also the reason why I haven’t experienced happiness in the last thousand days.
Remember that one time when we went to that sushi place with your older brother? You spilled soda all over my shirt. I remember rushing into the bathroom and you went into it with me even though it wasn’t the girl’s bathroom. I yelled at you to go away but you refused to and wiped the Sprite stains off my polo. That was the day I realized that you were my best friend. You were the person that didn’t care what other people thought of you and only cared what I thought of you.
I remember when you got your first boyfriend. I never liked him and I never will like him. He broke your heart. I told you not to go out with him and you chose to go against my wishes like a rebellious teenager. He hurt you and eventually you came crying to me. I told you, you were stupid and that I was right after all. That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. Two weeks went by and you didn’t talk to me. I called you countless times but you’d send me to voicemail. I had to call your parents and they had to force you to speak to me. I remember apologizing for hours but you didn’t accept it. You finally let up and then it was like we never got into an argument.
June 2nd, was the day you left. You told a month in advance that you and your parents were going to Canada to treat your ill grandmother. Then one day your aunt decided to moved down to Atlantic City and you could stay. That was when you asked me whether you should stay or you should go. I knew you wanted to go. You loved your grandma so much, maybe even more than you loved me. I didn’t want you to leave though. We’ve known each other for seven years now. I wanted to keep you by my side for the rest of my life. Instead of saying what I really wanted you to do, I let you go. If I told you that I wanted you to stay would you? Would your grandma be okay without you? I wasn’t okay without you. I’m still not okay without you.
How’s Montreal? I know it’s been 3 years since I saw you last but I still care about you. I might go to Canada just for you. Oh, one more thing. I never got to say this to you when you were here but I love you and I always will love you.
Dear my younger sister,
ReplyDeleteI am absolutely proud of all things you have accomplished in your past two years of middle school. You managed to do all your long list of after-school activities with your gifts of singing, dancing, sports, etc., yet you managed to get all A's both years in a row in your advanced classes with the second highest 8th grade GPA. I can’t believe you're going to high school.
The biggest problem you had sometimes, however, was your choleric attitude and boasting, though you mostly did out of anger. Your words were probably just as worse as what I experienced at school at the time or others, and it still lingers. You told me to shut up and stop getting involved, but said this as you didn't know that I was a shy, not confident girl at school trying to get involved. You “roasted” my dark skin (before it was praised), but you did it as my own sister. You told me you were smarter, and I was stupid, but you didn't know that school was complicated. You told me also that I could not play sports or do anything else I liked or tried doing, and I consequently wasn't actively involved in everything I wanted to do partly because I was discouraged from you. You called me a loser, an outcast, weird, or that I am a salty person who messes up everything. It is you, my sister, who placed second on the list of people responsible for my pain. Sure you're the opposite of me as an extrovert, in all the trends, and 2 or 3 shades lighter than me, but was that necessary?
I wish I told you all these things you did to me that hurt me, but I do not hold grudges and have moved on. What you have said in the past about me still hurts sometimes, though. It sucked to come home to you guys teasing me all the time after either being teased at school, having a bad day, or feeling excluded or isolated. Your words was one of the influences on why I was so hesitant to be expressive. I have already forgiven you, but the point of me writing this on my blog is to say that although our past has been rough sometimes and we weren't perfect, I have and I’ll always love you so much, and I am grateful that I have some of my best memories with you. I just wish you knew this to change your words and how you speak to people since you tended to forget.
Dear Parents,
I wish I could have told you that despite the fact that I seriously love and am grateful for both of you, you both were also sources of my pain.
I wish that you both cared to listen to my personal problems of low self-esteem and pain I experienced instead of yelling, beating, and cutting me with your words. I could not tell you, because you both would not understand, and I was afraid to see how you would deal with it. I have forgiven you, but that pain lingers for some reason, like a sore, healing bruise:
-All those times you compared me to my own cousins, classmates, or strangers
-All those times you insulted me on my skin and wasted your money by buying bleaching lotion for me to use.
-All those times you insulted my intelligence when you were mad at me for whatever reason
-All those times for making me feel generally useless...
I wish I could tell you both to stop all that because I already was in pain at school, but you would not care because you did whatever you both wanted since you were in charge. I wish you were and could be more supportive of all my activities other than academics. Thanks to you, I missed out on a bunch of cool high school experiences because of your strictness, yet somehow you manage to brag about us when you weren't even there to see us in concert. I wish that you knew that I am trying my best to make you guys proud of me and approve of me in that sense. All I wish to ask is for you both to be more understanding and supportive, not automatically linking everything I do to harm. However, I want to say thank you. Thank you for loving me and working very hard just to provide for us. I look up to both of you everyday and see that you both simply have high expectations for us.
Love,
Bernice
This is to the two girls that broke me. These two girls at one point i thought I could possibly have a healthy relationship with.... turns out I was wrong. I just got betrayed and broken physically. And this will change my life forever, I think. Girl #1 I think your horny was broke me, you made it not fun, sucked the life out of me, and turned me into a boring unromantic rag now sadly my wife will have to deal with that because of you. Hopefully things will change and I will forget about what you've done to me. Girl #2 you cheated on me, not that I care that much but it was low I'll give you that and showed me I can't trust anyone besides myself. Both of you are still in my life I don't know if it's because I feel the urge to get back at you and bring the same pain you've brought me or just because I simply don't care now because what is done is done. Hopefully I will get over both of these and live my life and love a women like I should without thinking this will happen again. Maybe, maybe not it's not up to me anymore so as time will tell I'll see if I get over your spell. Whoop dee do bop zam I'm the man that got played by two latinas fam.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteDear Dad,
I don’t think it’s about the things I never said, but now that it’s eight years later and I can’t say anything to you at all, there are some things I wish you knew.
I want you to know that you will always be my dad. I want you to know that there is no person, in this world or even a perfect universe that could ever take your place. No man could ever walk into my life and do such a thing. I want you to know that. Even eight years later, up to this very day as I’m writing this, you are and forever will be my superhero. Dad, you were and will always be the strongest person I know. I want you to know that you are still in my life and I’m always thinking about you. You’re my lockscreen, and that quote I have as my homescreen? “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on,” by Robert Frost. Yeah that’s about you. Because although I will always be a little dead inside, as a piece of my heart passed with you, you helped me through it. I want to thank you for giving me your strength when you left. I want you to know that yes, I was strong for Mom and Kaila, and will always be strong for them. I want you to know that you’ve made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. I want you to know that even though I can no longer hear your voice, it’s still my favorite to hear. I want to apologize for disappointing you five years ago, I’m sorry I went. You know exactly what I’m talking about, being my guardian angel, Dad I’m sorry. Dad I’m sorry, for ever letting you down, I’m trying to get through life as best as I can without you. Dad I’m sorry, if I’m not the strong, brave, adventurous daughter you hoped of having, I promise you I’m trying. I promise you that it’s my dying wish to make you proud of me. I promise that I’ll never give up for you. I promise you everything you ever wanted, I’ll find a way. I want you to know that you leaving us has put me in a never-ending dream cycle full of nightmares and explosions. Dad I can’t tell you anything I want to tell you. The things I never said, I’ll never ever be able to tell you. I pray to God everyday to send me a sign. If you’re seeing this right now, please send me a sign. I want you to know that I’ll always be your little girl. I never got to tell you I loved you one last time, and I want you to know that most of all.
Love Always,
Julianna
I am so done with you. All these years I’ve let you use me as if I was a tissue box. Always there to make sure there was a “tissue” to catch that tear and blow that nose. I loved doing it for you because that’s all I ever wanted to do was take care of you and be that shoulder that supports your head. But because you knew I would, you would only time would come around when you needed something. You knew after all these years I would still stand by your side and comfort you. You knew that because I loved you I was the perfect candidate to take advantage of. Even after every other guy would treat you wrong, break your heart, and push you down, I would make sure I was the one to help you back up. I would make sure I was there for absolutely everything. But as soon as your needs were fulfilled, you threw me to the side. I hate being lied to and screwed. I hate that you would tell me you “loved” me just so I would stick around. I had a feeling you were just using me, but I didn’t listen to it. I thought to highly of you and thought the girl I loved could never would never do that to me. I was wrong. It turns out the people we love tend to hurt us the most. So, I’m done being reached for just to be put right back down. I am done being your little comfort toy. I am done with you lying to me. I am done with you using me. I absolutely loved you and would have done anything for you. But I AM DONE.
ReplyDeleteTo the one I love but can't help any longer
DeleteTo a person
ReplyDeleteI am and always have been a pawn in your little game. You used me. You still do. You have caused so much damage. You have been the source of my pain for years. I have cried myself to sleep at night replaying the words you’ve said to me only to wake up to your many apologies. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I will never have the courage to say this to you. I am not strong enough. I will never be able to cut you out of my life. I love you too much. You have lied to me and have fucked me up so badly. I understand where it comes from. I know what your childhood was like and that you learned these behaviors. I know you try not to do these things and it's all you've ever known but these are not excuses. I am angry with you. I am disappointed in you. I am hurt. Knowing you if you ever read this and knew it was about you your heart would be shattered. You would play the victim and cry until I felt like a shitty person and comforted you. You would say it wasn't your fault and then bring up a list of things you have done for me. You would tell me that I never admit when I am wrong. That I only point out your mistakes. You would then leave and not come back just to make me worry about you. The good thing is that I now can easily recognize who is truly their for me and who is going to hurt me. I will never let another you enter my life. I love you with every bone in my body but you are not good for me. I hope that one day I no longer feel the hold you have over me. That I will no longer feel this unwavering loyalty to you. That I can get passed all this.
To let it go
That's still your name in my contacts. I changed it to that the minute you told me that you were leaving in a few months. I wanted to be reminded of that every time you texted me so I wouldn't get too attached. It didn't work. The more we talked the more I liked you and that scared me. I knew I was screwed. Your smile brightened up my whole day. I looked forward to seeing you and I am so mad at myself because I ruined that. I thought the best thing to do was to put distance between us because you were just going to leave anyways. I stopped talking to you and tried unsuccessfully to get you off my mind. After a month or two I figured you had moved and that made things easier. Then you texted me and I blew you off. I didn't want to get hurt. I'm sorry if I hurt you or if I made you feel even a little bit sad. I wonder if you thought about it as much as I did. My heart dropped when you told me you weren't moving. It was too late then. I had already put a whole ocean between us. I didn't want to lose you but I didn't know how to get back to where we were. Honestly I would have been happy just being friends.You are one of the few genuine people out there. At first it hurt to walk by you in the halls. We didn't even look at each other. It's like I didnt exist to you. I’ve made my peace with that and it's become the norm. You probably don't even think about this anymore but I still do from time to time because I haven't had the guts to tell you any of this. I already feel better now that I see this written out. My biggest fear is sending this to you and your response being something like it wasn't that big of a deal.
To my best friend when I was younger
I love you. Its been 2 months since you were shot and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about you. The day I got that call I cried my eyes out. I just cant believe you're gone. I'm sorry for not staying in touch as much as I could have. I will never forget you.
Dear selected few coworkers, P.S you know exactly who you are Jessica, Raul, Adiel and christopher. For starters, I would like to inform you that y'all all are fake as fuck I despise working with you guys.
ReplyDeleteFirst few months we're decent but, boy did you guys put up a front. Had me thinking that you we're real and you didn't gossip! Joke was on me because, y'all all have been working there 6 years or more and that's all y'all do.
For starters Adiel, from day one you gave me hell you had a fucked up ass attitude because, I was a female and you didn't want me to think that you would go easy on me because, I'm pretty. We'll guess what stop being so fucking sexist. By being pretty that doesn't make me feel intitled to anything in this world I have worked for everything. I spent the first two months letting you know that although I'm a girl I can do the same job as a man and better.
Jessica you a real BITCH just because, you make $2.50 more than everyone doesn't mean you have to act like a dictator! It's been 8 months and your still trying to tell me how to do my job! It's annoying you bitch and complain like, we don't work in the fast food industry. Your also, disgusting to work with but, I won't mention it on here cause I'd like you all to still rat the food at Boston Market just not when she's there. Because, God forbid something drops on the floor that was supposed to go on your plate because, it still will! P.S she claims she's saving the company money.
Raul you are the lazy person I ever fucking met. You eat on the clock avoid doing your work to the very last minute and expect me to do everything. I'm not your little slave!! You take forever to do one thing.
Christopher I still remember the time you sent me home for having a conversation in the lobby with a customer. You didn't even have the balls to say it to my face you asked my favorite person at the place Zack to do it! Guess, what you don't get more money added on to your check for getting on my fucking nerves.
Although, I'm still here because, I need the money I'm fucking done with you guys. Stop smiling in my face and talking behind my back I'm the only minor who works there so start acting like it!
To the world at large,
ReplyDeleteGod... everyday I swear it seems like you're just getting worse and worse. And I mean legitimately just awful by far probably the worst we've ever seen you between some of the worst atrocities I've ever seen committed and the fact that apparently the doomsday clock is estimating that we're on the verge of thermonuclear apocalypse (yeah still getting over that one) it's a wonder why we insist on living on you, but y'know what? I ain't lettin any of that bullshit stop me cause y'know what else despite being a shitty SHITTY place you're the only home we've got (well... that is unail developed space faring technology then it's bon voyage earth) and screw it you're not all that bad you've got art and music and books and really fascinating topographical features so I guess you can't be the worst thing ever.
To that one kid I just FUCKING HATE
Hey you! Yeah you kid that doesn't go to this school but for some reason I hold an unrelent in hatred for. I HATE YOU! I Have never hated someone so badly I like living by a dalai lama style everyone gets the open hand of forgiveness but for some reason you've convinced me that the only open hand you deserve is my backhand across you're face, I want you to know that your everything irks me in a way that makes me horrifically and violently angry. Like I said I don't like hating people and I feel like it's completely and utterly irrational for one human being to have this feeling toward another especially after not being in any kind of contact with you for three years but FUCK IT I HATE YOU! Just knowledge of knowing that you exist somewhere makes me wish you didn't exist god why do you suck so much!?
Yours truly, Alexander ho
Originally I was going to skip this blog and pretend that I never saw it in my entire life...... really didn't want to do this blog since it brought back arduous memories but thanks to my mom's words of encouragement, I'm going to do it.
ReplyDeleteDear father,
We may be in a royal family, we may have the last name, we may share the same blood but you never shown that you cared. I often question myself: What does it mean to be a father, what does it feel like to have a father figure or male role model and lastly did the king truly love his son? During my time in Ghana you had numerous opportunities to show your love but you were negligent to take that opportunity. Now it's too late, now I'm with my mom in the US whom showed her love for me. I Know you were frustrated when you heard about my departure but you had numerous chances to take. Ever since that day I decided to cut ties with you. But I can't anymore. I'm writing this letter to say I still love you, you are still my father and I still bare your last name: Prempeh. I miss from time to time. I'm glad your my father even though you haven't truly shown your paternal skills to me. There are so many things I want to say. I want someone to hear me out yet be unheard. I'm not a person who can talk about feelings but sometimes I wish i could tell you how much I love you and how you mean the world to me. I wish i could tell you how I'd do anything for you and how much I appreciate you for giving life to me.